


Maybe I, Maybe I'm

by InkandOwl



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Miscommunication
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-11
Updated: 2019-06-11
Packaged: 2020-04-24 11:57:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19172800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InkandOwl/pseuds/InkandOwl
Summary: Levi doesn’t get more than a strangled “Hi, mom” out, before he’s struggling to breathe.There’s a calm silence, one full of understanding and patience, “What’s wrong, baby?” Myrna’s voice is gentle on the other end and Levi tucks his knees up to his chest and cries.There’s no needling from his mom, no pressure to talk before he can find his voice, “Nico finds out about the job today. The one in San Francisco.”





	Maybe I, Maybe I'm

It’s raining outside. 

It’s raining outside and Levi pulls the blanket tighter around his shoulders. He thinks he might be cold, but he doesn’t know for sure. 

“Do you want me to turn the heat up?” Nico still has his eyes closed when he speaks, and it startles Levi. Before he can ask him how he knows, Nico rolls onto his side and rests his arm in the dip of Levi’s waist, “You made yourself very small.” 

He is curled up tightly in the bed and he puts in a great deal of effort to stretch his legs down the mattress, “I think I’m okay.” 

Nico hums and drags his body up against Levi’s, digging his hands underneath the thick blanket and running them up the skin of Levi’s back. It makes him shiver and bury his face in the space underneath Nico’s chin. His chest is warm, and he smells so familiar and safe that it makes Levi’s eyes burn with the threat of tears. 

He can’t ask him to stay. 

It’s not fair and he can’t ask him to stay.

“You okay?” Nico’s voice is low and rough from sleep. 

Levi takes a moment to track his fingers over each careful notch of Nico’s ribs— to map out all of his favorite places until they rest on the spot beneath his sternum where he can feel the gentle beat of Nico’s heart. “I love you.” Levi whispers it, because he doesn’t trust that his voice will carry it any louder without failing. It’s too heavy. 

Nico cards his fingers through Levi’s hair, “I love you too. Are you feeling sentimental?” He’s teasing, his lips fixed against Levi’s temple. 

“Oh, all the time.” This Levi can do. An easy banter to cover up difficult conversations he doesn’t even know how to start. “I was thinking about starting a scrapbook.” 

Nico laughs, carefully untangling himself from Levi. It’s a temporary distance, made only so that Nico can push Levi back onto the mattress, rearranging his limbs so that it’s easy for Nico to slot himself between Levi’s thighs. “What time do you go into work?” 

Levi glances over at the alarm clock on the nightstand, red numbers flashing, “I have a few hours.” Nico takes the opportunity of Levi’s neck bared for him to press his lips down the line of his throat. 

They don’t have the burden of clothing, having abandoned them the night before, and Nico sinks into him, slow and lazy in the way he rocks his hips. Levi bites his bottom lip hard enough that it hurts, and it’s the only way he can keep himself from begging. 

It lingers in the way he digs the tips of his fingers into Nico’s shoulders, and the soft whimpers that he can’t keep from falling off of his lips, and he wonders if Nico can _know_ what it means when Levi pulls their mouths together and kisses him and kisses him and kisses him. 

Levi wonders if it’s enough in the way he says Nico’s name when the slow drag of Nico inside of him send him over the edge and he gasps instead of saying ‘ _Stay, stay, stay. Please don’t leave me_.’

When Levi finally gets dressed for work, it’s still raining.

 

#

 

_In, and out_

_In, and out_

This same time last year, Levi would’ve told anyone that doing stitches was awful. The drag of a needle through skin made his fingers itch and he hated the pull of the suture. Now, there’s a sort of calm to the monotony of it. It’s something he gets to focus on while he sets a careful pattern in his head. 

“Your stitch work looks good, Schmitt.” Dr. Karev always has this earnest look about him. 

Like he’s afraid the entire emotional ecosystem of the hospital is on the verge of collapse and he has to carefully reinforce the foundations with every word he says. Levi can’t imagine the stress of shouldering that. He smiles at Karev, which is really more of a small tug at the corner of his mouth, “Thank you.” 

Usually these sort of praises would have him beside himself. 

“You feeling alright?” He’s leaning against the bed of the patient. A kid who rode his bike into a neighbors fence and is knocked out on painkillers. 

Levi ties off the stitches and neatly cuts the end. He takes a deep breath, “Yeah, I’m fine. Thank you.” He tries for a more genuine smile, but it clearly doesn’t work. 

Dr. Karev frowns, “Dr. Kim hears back from San Francisco today.” It’s a question and it’s a statement all wrapped up in one. 

“Yeah, he—” Levi works off his gloves and drops them into the tray by the bed, “It’s his dream job, they’d be really lucky to have him.” 

He’d been to off kilter to put his contacts in, and Levi shoves his fingers up underneath his glasses, pressing his thumb hard into the corner of his eye. He’s not going to cry in front of Alex Karev. Or anyone today if he can help it. “What about what you want?” Dr. Karev’s hand falls heavy on his shoulder and he leans in close to tell him quietly, “You’re allowed to want him to stay, you know.” 

“That would be selfish of me, he worked hard for this.” 

Dr. Karev looks tired. Maybe he’s just been through it all enough times that this seems like another go round at life, “He did, but he worked for you too, kid.” He holds a stack of reports aloft and sets them gently on the counter, “Go ahead and fill out these papers for Mr. Anderson here, I took care of the rest already.” He stops at the door for a moment, “Take care of yourself today, Dr. Schmitt.” 

And then he’s gone. 

It’s how his entire day is slated to go. He gets sympathetic looks from every doctor and nurse he comes by. 

There’s not a person in Grey-Sloan that doesn’t know about Nico and San Francisco, and there’s not a person here who doesn’t know about his intern boyfriend who stupidly stood around on the sidelines and waited for this day to come without ever once talking about it. 

He ends up in an on-call room with Casey. 

Not in that way. 

Casey stretches up onto his tip toes, his knees popping when he does and he grunts, “I used to try an stretch every day when I was in basic, because I thought that it would help me feel better the next morning.” 

“Did it?” Levi is picking through a bowl of rice and vegetable, cross legged on the bed. They both made a point to let everyone know the door was unlocked before they decided on this hybrid lunch/napping break together. 

Casey laughs, “God, no, I still felt like I had been hit by a garbage truck the next day.” 

It makes Levi laugh too, “So specific.” He shoves a cucumber in his mouth and ignores the fact that it tastes like dish soap. 

“You’ve been a lot more calm today than I thought you would be.” Casey admits. There’s something in the patient demeanor that he speaks that doesn’t set Levi on edge. Casey is always talking about things as if life is simply there. It’s moving along and they were all just floating down the river with it. “I had a girlfriend when I went away to basic. She was great, we started seeing each other our freshmen year of college, and when she supported me through my transition, I thought nothing could keep up apart. Not even going away to war.” 

Levi toes his shoes off, “But—” He glances up at Casey who frowns. 

“But, nothing. We stayed together, even through going away to war. We broke up when I started med school, the stress of it was too much for me to keep going in our relationship and it wasn’t fair for me to stick around when I was only giving twenty percent.” Casey shrugs off his scrub top, smoothing down his undershirt when he stands back up, “Look, I’m just saying that long distance doesn’t have to mean a death wish to a relationship.” 

Levi pushes himself back against the wall, making room for Casey to sit down on the mattress next to him, “Sometimes it just takes med school?” 

Casey leans over to inspect what’s in Levi’s bowl and picks out a steamed fragment of bok choy, popping it into his mouth, “You got it. And you two are already dating around a hospital schedule so—” it takes him a great deal of effort to swallow, “You guys are practically indestructible.” 

It’s a nice sentiment, and maybe he’s right, but all of Levi’s want sits heavy in his stomach, “Can I tell you something?” 

“I imagine you will.” Casey lifts an eyebrow.

“I know it makes me selfish and unsupportive, but I don’t want to do long distance because I want him _here_.” Levi rubs his toes together, the friction of his socks making the bottoms of his feet itch, “I want to hold his hand and go to the grocery store with him. I want to make him coffee in the morning and see him wake up, you know? It’s not the same if I can’t touch him.” Levi taps his fork against his mouth, “I want to have sex.” 

Casey slouches against the wall and seems to ponder it, “You can always get into phone sex. FaceTime is a thing.” When Levi levels him with an unimpressed look he frowns, “You’re right, it’s not the same.” 

The door of the on-call room clicks open and Amelia Shepherd pokes her head in, “Am I interrupting something?” 

Casey has a mouthful of vegetables and Levi’s certain he looks like a miserable mess and he shakes his head, “Just having lunch.” 

“This is the most innocent thing I’ve ever stumbled upon in one of these rooms.” She admits and shrugs off her coat, throwing herself onto the empty bed across the room, “Figured with Kim leaving you might be trying to rebound.” 

Levi feels sick and he passes the rest of his food over to Casey. 

 

#

 

“You did all of these?” Chief Bailey thumbs through Levi’s labs, leaning back in her chair. It bounces a little, and she gives it a few more shakes. She has a lot of frantic energy that Levi can relate to. 

“Yeah, I thought I would get a jump on them before the end of the day.” He’s distracted by the magnet statue on her desk, the little x’s and o’s tumbling down each other. 

“What’s on your schedule for the rest of the day.” She folds her hands across her stomach, large brown eyes wide and imploring. 

Levi’s been picking up odds and ends jobs around the hospital to try and keep himself distracted. He doesn’t want to admit that he’s exhausted and he feels so incredibly alone right now— even if he knows he’s not, “Thought I might call my mom before I do some scut work for Dr. Hunt. Maybe stick around for a trauma.” 

He’s not scheduled on any surgeries, mostly a hang around for the potential of it all. Bailey presses her lips together firmly and studies him, “Want to scrub in on a kidney transplant?” 

There’s a kindness in her eyes, and it exists alongside her severity, and terribly— right next to something akin to an apology. “I still want to call my mom first.” He tells her with an easy grin and Bailey nods. 

“I’ll see you in the OR at four.” 

 

#

 

Levi doesn’t get more than a strangled “Hi, mom” out, before he’s struggling to breathe. 

There’s a calm silence, one full of understanding and patience, “What’s wrong, baby?” Myrna’s voice is gentle on the other end and Levi tucks his knees up to his chest and cries. 

There’s no needling from his mom, no pressure to talk before he can find his voice, “Nico finds out about the job today. The one in San Francisco.” 

“Hmm,” She’s trying, “The first heartbreak always hurts the worst.” 

“I don’t want it to be over.” Levi admits, the words childish and pathetic to his own ears. 

“Maybe it doesn’t have to be.” 

 

#

 

It’s late and Levi is tired. He’s beyond tired and his hands shake when he tries to cut an apple. “You’re going to take off a finger.” Nico runs his hand down Levi’s arm and stills him, “Let me do that for you.” Levi wants to argue with him that he doesn’t need it. He can do these menial everyday tasks just fine and he’s absolutely not losing it. “I heard you got to scrub in on Bailey’s surgery.” Nico’s eyes dart up to his over the kitchen counter, “You’re her favorite, even if she won’t admit it.” 

He grins then, a sly tick to the corner of his mouth. “Who told you that?” Levi asks. It sounds like unsubstantiated hospital rumors. 

Nico slides the plate back across the counter to him, “Bailey did.” 

It’s strange, hearing it, “Oh. When did she tell you that?” Levi presses the tips of his fingers against the granite and watches the way his knuckles whiten. 

“Today.” Nico leans forward on his elbows, “Levi, we need to talk.” 

Here it is. Here is Levi’s entire universe coming to a screeching halt and his not having any control. He swallows hard and his ears start to ring, “About what?” His voice cuts out, and he keeps his eyes firmly down so that he doesn’t have to see that look of pity on Nico’s face too. 

He’s quiet, no doubt waiting for Levi to start acting like an adult and have a real conversation with him, “Can you look at me?” 

Nico’s fingers come up to gently touch underneath Levi’s chin, and he tilts his head up so that Levi is faced with eyes so kind that he can’t help his own filling with tears, “I’m sorry.” 

It’s hardly above a whisper and Nico rubs his thumb under Levi’s eye, taking away the tears there, “What are you apologizing for?” 

Levi shakes his head, “I don’t want to talk about me right now.” He admits, “Just tell me.” 

Nico nods, tiny and nearly imperceptible, “I got the job.”

Levi feels numb. He feels entirely adrift in his own emotions and he can’t even begin to place them all. Nico is delicately running the tips of his fingers down the line of Levi’s neck, Levi’s name falling off of his lips as a quiet question. “Sweetheart—”

Levi can’t hear it— he doesn’t think he’s strong enough right now to stomach it, and he leans himself over the counter, hands fisted in the front of Nico’s shirt when he hauls him into a bruising kiss. His fingers tangle into Nico’s hair, tongue pressing between Nico’s teeth. 

Maybe Nico knows that there aren’t any words left in in him, or maybe he doesn’t have anymore himself, because he leans back when Levi rounds the counter and presses himself into Nico’s arms. He has most of the buttons undone on Nico’s shirt when Levi finally pulls away from him enough to tell him through breathless gasps, “I need you— I need you right now, please.” 

Nico lifts him up, hands gripped tight under Levi’s thighs when he carries him to the bedroom. 

It’s careful, the way Nico watches— propped up on his elbows while Levi takes his clothes off, climbs over the top of him and kisses his desperately. He opens himself up, hand tucked between his legs as he gasps against Nico’s lips. Nico runs his hands down Levi’s sides, eyes searching his face carefully until Levi pushes Nico’s pants down his thighs and sinks down onto him. 

His head falls back against the pillow when Levi rocks into his lap, fingers bruising against Levi’s legs, “They told me I could start at the end of the month.” Nico’s voice is strained, choked off when he lifts his hips to drive deeper into Levi. 

Levi’s eyes start to burn and he presses his hands to the Nico’s chest, rolling back on him. “We don’t— have to talk about this right now.” 

Nico’s grips on his waist is hard enough that it stills Levi and he rolls them over, covering Levi’s body with his own, “Look at me, baby.” He shoves Levi’s thighs open with his knees, hauling him over his lap to drive back into him and Levi gasps, twisting his hands in the sheets. “We’re talking about this now.” 

Nico is thrusting into him so mercilessly that Levi thinks he’s losing his mind. He wants to do this without words. For this to be enough to convince Nico that he’s worth staying for. Or maybe this will ruin Levi enough that he’ll feel Nico for the rest of his life. A permanence on his body. “I can’t—” He admits and Nico leans down to kiss him. 

“You can. I need you to listen.” Nico slows his hips, a careful roll that makes Levi’s knees shake. “They offered me the job and they even offered me housing—” Levi turns his face to the side, pressing his eyes shut, “Said they could see me becoming the head of the department.” 

“Nico—” 

He drags his lips over Levi’s neck, pressing careful kisses there, “I went to Bailey, I told her about it.” 

“Please—” Levi grasps desperately at Nico’s back. 

“I told her I want a residency at Grey-Sloan,” Nico slides his hand down Levi’s stomach, wraps his hand around him and strokes him in time with every thrust, “I told her my whole life is here.” 

Levi bites his lip but he can’t keep back the choked off sob that escapes his throat, “Nico, what— what did she say?” 

Nico stops, buried deep inside of him and takes Levi’s wrists in his hands, pinning them above his head, “She said it’s mine if I want it.” His gaze is intense— pleading when he tells him, “Levi, you’re my entire world, please ask me to stay.” 

The entire days worth of hurt, or pain and fear breaks inside of Levi and a hot trail of tears streaks silently over his cheekbones, “I need you to stay.” His voice is nothing more than a whisper, “I want you to stay, I want you—” His words trail away in a gasp when Nico starts to fuck him in earnest. 

Levi doesn’t last much longer. He can’t. He _needs_ and he wants and he _has_ Nico here in his arms and his back bows when he comes with his heels dug into the mattress and Nico’s name spilling from his lips with promises like _I love you_. 

He doesn’t really take into account when Nico finishes inside of him, or when he pulls out and collapses onto the bed next to him. Levi keeps his eyes closed and lets the stray tears soak into the pillow under him. Nico’s hand presses against his chest and Levi finally looks at him, “You’re going to stay?”

Nico’s eyes are soft with sleep and the aftermath of emotions run rampant, “Yeah, I’m gonna stay. With you.” 

Levi turns into Nico’s side and buries his face in his neck. He can’t keep himself awake but he’s afraid that if he falls asleep this will have all been a dream. 

 

#

 

Nico wakes up just as tired as he felt when he fell asleep. 

He has to fight to blink his eyes open, but it’s all so much easier when he’s greeted with Levi’s sleeping face on the pillow next to him. His eyes are red and bruised underneath from a night of crying, mouth parted slightly and his hair in wild disarray. 

Nico reaches out and gently runs his hand down the side of his temple, over the curve of his jaw, and lets his thumb rest against his lips. 

Yesterday had seemed so distant now— he had gone to Bailey’s office and he had barely gotten a word out before the chief before she had sat him down in a chair by her desk and told him, “He hasn’t asked you to stay because he doesn’t want you here, Dr. Kim. The boy is damn near mental breakdown over this. He hasn’t asked you to stay because he’s so selfless he would rather suffer than take this decision away from you.” 

His Levi. Beautiful, ridiculous, selfless Levi with his knees tucked up under the covers and dark eyebrow drawn together in worry even in sleep. 

The alarm on his phone goes off and Levi startles against the sheets, hazel eyes cracking open with concern. He takes a deep breath and unfurls himself, “Is that mine?” He presses his hand to his forehead and Nico bites back a smile. 

“It’s mine, sorry about that.” He leans over to kiss Levi on the forehead, “Why don’t you go back to sleep.” 

He swings his legs over the side of the bed, stretching his hands above his head and glances back to catch Levi blushing with the sheets pulled up to his nose. He glances up at Nico and when he realizes he’s been discovered checking out Nico’s nakedness he laughs. The sound of it muffled in the material. Levi lets out a content sigh and yawns, “You have work?” 

Nico leans in close to him, “I do. Turns out I have a residency I need to be at.”

**Author's Note:**

> Come find me on Tumblr >>> Inkandowl!!


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